Accept that this relationship will have a few quirks, it will make it easier to accept being a second wife. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? To get revenge on her? its too emotionally trying and to be honest unless you are rich the men nowadays find it hard to pay for two houses for many different educations, for maintenance, health fees etc.Majority of people i know with second wives get help from the govt bcos the men cant affrod what THEY SAID they could..the only reason i dont divorce is becos my husband can take care of all my expenses and the children and he loves them and takes good care of themi wish i coudl say the same for many others..its just easier to get a husband that wants one wife. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. Marriage comes with its own challenges the first time around, but being a second wife comes with unique issues to confront and be prepared for. He told to his wife, that she is the mother of his son, the official, his meat and blood. He's trying to get her used to the idea of him being married to you and coming up with excuses. Thats life. Kranti Sihotra Momin, an experienced CBT practitioner with a Masters degree in psychology and a specialization in clinical psychology, tells us some hard truths about being a second wife and what you should be prepared for. 3. Was he afraid that he would scare you off, did he intend to take you as a second wife? Although Islam has various reasons to emphasize getting married to three or four women at one time. Being known as or introduced as the second wife can feel condescending. But i keep quiet , rather i told her That Allah Bless Her.. And you really shouldn't be lying about it. Islam simply limited the number to four. Am I too young to marry her? I know he doesn't love her like he loves me, but he still cares for her deeply. Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. Am a moslim lady above 30years in love with a moslim man slightly older than me. 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I feel lost and im really struggling with it. 1, you nor go fit sleep well for nite. What worries me is that this man never even told you about his first wife - if you hadn't randomly found out about her, he would probably have married you without even telling you anything. Remember he does not want to have a . All the above shows that there is really no marriage between the both parties. It stayed almost one year that we hide our relation to his first his wife, because he told me, that he want to inform his wife, when he will be in front of her, since that she was in her home country and it will be nice if he will inform only through phone. Being a first wife has its own set of challenges that are difficult to compare with the second wife's challenges. All the hardships in life will eventually be over and lightened by our belief in Allah. Three. So with all those year being with him, i have my full guilt and grieve because i felt that Im just like a mistress being secretly married to his first wife. Or feeding on a day of severe hunger Heres what happens when you are unsure about how to deal with being the second wife: It can get rather overwhelming, but remember, if you insist on being stuck in the vicious first wife vs second wife competition going on in your head, youre not going to get very far in your marriage. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. Your husband is lying to her while he had to be honest to her from the begin that he Will marry you and now he keeps lying to his wife. And if you can't then discuss "other solutions" like divorce, or polygamy. Therefore, the second wife will never feel the place like the first woman. So this really needs to be discussed before marriage. What can i do? being an adoptive parent. She's even trying to have a good relationship with the first wife and making sure things are in order according to Islam by having the marriage known throughout his family. He asked her to spiritually marry him. Second marriages are like that. Again, the best way to get your feelings out there without burning your marriage down is to have an honest conversation with your partner. These same feelings can undoubtedly be felt by the second husband, too, since it is . Every person's nature is different. If finances and circumstances permit, move out to your own place living in the same house as the first wife is rarely a good idea, as anyone whos read Daphne Du Mauriers Rebecca will tell you. I think you wanted everything done in a halal way which is really good. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome.. However, Love actually is sacrifice. Second wife doesnt mean second place keep that in mind. And what can make you know what is [breaking through] the difficult pass? The person who is involved becomes more serious with life. You should have had a mahram from your side when you met him. 3 Allah almighty has stated that: If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choices: two, or three, or four. And let her marry, for she will get what is decreed for her.'' If your partners former spouse is still in the picture taking care of the kids or as business partners or just meeting occasionally youll need to learn how to deal with them without letting the first wife vs second wife insecurities consume you. Ive been a writer and editor for nearly 15 years, having worked in newsrooms, tech companies, social media and more. The stigma of divorce, as well as later marriages and the importing of foreign brides (15,500 women were admitted to the UK in 2011 as wives of British men, according to Home Office figures), have all exacerbated the problem for Muslim women looking for a husband. She had to translate Arabic so it's unlikely he's Pakistani. They treated like possessions, can be married off as a little child, they are distrusted and they have fewer civil rights. But that doesnt mean we dont approach every love affair and marriage with hope and all the emotional intelligence we can muster. 3, there would be competition amongst the wives as to who is a better wife and so you would always be the center of everything. Some want one child, some want 10 children. The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. Also, his first wife, Diane, is still much loved by the neighbors and general community so I could feel that they thought I didnt quite measure up, that I was different, says Chantal. Hi, Not a merciful man. If the man can not deal with both of you justly, he should not be marrying you. As salaamu alaykum. No automatic inherentance rights or rights to the house right etc. If you truly love him then you should let him go for his first wife. Provide the three areas that were Islamized. Myra and Leah married after 2 years of dating, but Leahs daughter from her first marriage barely acknowledged Myra at all. I had to get used to being introduced as Maxs wife and seeing the surprise on peoples faces sometimes. The other thing we need to remember is, every marriage is different. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Initially, Imran didn't tell his first wife he had remarried, but eventually she accepted it and now she gets on with his second wife. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. 2) She does not want equal share of his time and is happy if he spends only 2 days/nights with her a week-any more is to the . Initially, I tried to fight it but it ended up becoming an exhausting battle every time. 11 August 2016. Every woman/wife is different. When Marcus and Chantal got married, it was the second marriage for both of them. Those kinds of women really don't care if their husband wants another wife, because she really does not have a lot of "closeness and devotion" needs toward her man. Her body was paralyzed so my parents refuse our marriage, I shared my body measurements with a guy online, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. The stigma, the stares, the questions 2. Thats why this thing is very scary for the second wife. Or, you are paying for it. You dont want to succumb to second-wife depression owing to the pressures, insecurities, and unpleasantness in your marital life on account of your spouses past. And what's more-- if you are so kind and giving, and you have LOTS of extra money, but polygamy breaks your wife's heart-- then why don't you consider supporting a charity? It is time that you rise in love. You should divorce such a questionable man and move on with your life. But later on, I realized a second marriage is about two people willing to learn from their past and live the rest of their lives together, happily.. To accept being a second wife, you need to learn how to navigate them skillfully. These wouldnt count as one of the advantages of being a second wife, but if nothing else, it will help you stand your ground and tackle uncomfortable situations that are bound to arise. A friend of mine married a man who would lay flowers at his late wifes grave every Sunday. We might not be mother-daughter BFFs but we have a healthy respect and affection for each other, Myra adds. Recommended Blogs:Can You Touch Or Read Quran Without Wudu?Can Muslims Celebrate Thanksgiving. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. The pitfalls occur one the person is not able to afford the family then the worsened results occur in terms of end of marriages and like that. Hopefully, regardless of what happens, this woman receives the reward for her effort in accepting Islam and trying to be a good Muslim. That doesn't mean you are forced to live that way, if you cannot tolerate it. Polygamy is not an idea that just "springs up" on you one day, from nowhere, lol. The second-wife syndrome is when you feel like youve stepped into an alternate reality created by your spouses first wife and family, and youre constantly feeling inadequate. Granted, some (extremely rare) men practice polygamy because they see it like a charity. i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. shall i wait to be everything okay, shall i believe him after of what i get to know from their conversation? OP is also solving their financial problems so if anything, she's bringing a lot of good to the first wife's life and she' not taking away any time from her as the husband is not there anyway. If he wasn't honest with you to begin with, then what makes you think that he will be honest with you at all? As a second wife, you dont really have a say in any of this, because all of it was done before you came into the picture at all. I really feel that i cannot accept of what he have told in their conversation. Consider that, sister. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. Your holidays will be more complicated than you think, Going beyond the conventional frame of marriage and relationships takes a lot of courage and consideration even though remarriages are more easily accepted these days, Youll constantly feel that your spouse gives more importance to his first wife and kids than he does to you, Youll wonder if they control his schedule and decisions more than you do, Youll compare yourself to them constantly and always think youre falling short, A sense of insignificance will make you hate being a second wife even more, You may end up trying to influence your husbands life choices more than his ex-wife, Take your time but try to learn to turn a blind eye to the critiques of your marriage, Initially, the finances could be a little tight but you can always split costs and manage the expenses efficiently, Instead of letting the ex-wife intimidate you, you can handle the relationship with grace and accept her as a part of your life, Communicate with your husband about how much he wants you involved in the lives of the kids and dont overstep those boundaries, Build your home filled with love and happiness just like any other newly married couple, The societal stigma is big distress in a second marriage, Your wedding may not be that special as he can be uncomfortable going through the same rituals again, You have to be patient in dealing with his relationship with his ex-spouse and the kids, You have to be prepared to help him handle his financial crunches and emotional baggage, You can try not to treat it as a second marriage and enjoy your life with the man you love. But there are also benefits for women and men both and their children in their upbringing. It is very unfortunate that some women object less to their husbands doing haraam things than to their marrying another woman in a permissible manner. Some people just aren't cut out for it and that's okay. If you accept this marriage then it is manifest that your rational faculty has gone a vacation. This is not islam. Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. But, shes in college now, and I think weve made real progress. IslamicAnswers.com Staff Photo Gallery. Food Menu; Cart; Checkout; Return to website; disadvantages of being a second wife islam Keep trust in Allah and you'll find a better man. O, Young People! Secondwife.com advertises to Muslim men to help them . And it will be the cause of the destruction of society and civilization. So be honest during engagement. And don't be so quick to nag him about the things he doesn't do right. So the great challenge is there for the second wife to never fall into the criteria that her man wants to. And to do that, begin by not letting the second marriage label weigh you down from the get-go. If he isnt able to perform their responsibilities, rights, and wishes. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife. Im really lost. Discuss it before marriage. The first wife and second wife comparisons, and the unpleasantness stemming from them are definitely among the many challenges you may have to face in your marriage. You know what you are willing to do, and not willing to do. Love is bling and you always fall in love. Remember, youre allowed to have your limits and put your foot down as well; just make sure you dont embark on a battle royal every time you dont get your own way because thats not helping you or anyone else. Relationships are hard, and if things go wrong, we get hurt. Who says you have to marry everybody you are charitable to??? Conditions forced her to get a divorce, which was granted by Sharia court. Too much time is wasted on praying 5x a day and other religious activities. Injustice will pave the way for injustice in society. Aren't you scared that he might keep other things from you, too? disadvantages of being a second wife islam. But as a second wife, it is key to be able to navigate your way through awkward or uncomfortable situations.. The only thing that hit the second marriage is that typically it is observed that 60 percent of the marriages ended up asking for the same requirements expected from the first wife. Be a nice person! However, in most cases, when the secret is revealed, the wife never accepts the situation nor forgives the husband. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. If you are determined that you want to marry him and you are convinced about him and his intentions, you are allowed to marry him as per the sharee'ah. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! It took many years of work on both our parts. Its possible this is your second marriage, too, in which case youll be able to empathize. Some work in food service. They accept polygamy because this has been a way of life. Maybe theres alimony being paid now and a college fund for the kids. And even in some divorce courts, it is. . Not to put a dampener on your marriage, but there are studies that suggest that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Since this is nobodys tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. Don't LIE about your plans and intentions during engagement! Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. In Quran Allah Says: And indeed we sent a messenger before you (O Muhammad SAW) and made for them wives and offsprings. When your friends talk about Christmas and having the whole family there togetheryoure over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. Husband take wife 2 after 3 month of marriage, I am living the life of a prisoner with my husband, I wish to leave my cheating husband and take the children with me, My brother-in-law masturbates because his wife is too tired for sex, Forced to marry my first cousin, but I loved another man, http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=3&verse=92. Linda P (124) 09/12/2022 at 8:41 pm. 4. Ready to be a stepmom? i was so dissapointed because he did not tell me he was married in the first place yet i was already in love with him. While there are some benefits of being a second wife (hopefully your spouse got most of his hijinks out of his system by now! One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, people are far less accepting of a second wife. You might want to start laying the groundwork while youre dating and before marriage, so you dont walk into a household of extreme hostility. Don't break a devoted, loving woman's heart. But how can i conquer all of this?Well, his always and everyday telling me that he will never leave me, that im his wife too and he love me so much. im just only doing prays to release and ease the pain and stress i have now. Such as dangerous occupations or fighting in the war. At this point, the man has destroyed his relationship with . Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. Am a moslim lady above 30years in love with a moslim man slightly older than me. It is the freeing of a slave Finding Love After Divorce 9 Things To Be Mindful Of, 9 Ways To Resolve Conflict In Blended Families, 8 Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries With Ex-Wife. I also have nothing against polygamy. If he buys you some jewelry, wear it. I just informed my husband and keep asking him, what happened and what is his plan, what going on, but he just answered me that trust him, and dont reply her or give message her anymore. It simply is not right that anyone should ask her to live that way forever. why did he not tell you that he is already married ?? Related Reading: How To Work On Your Relationship With The Stepchildren: Experts View. As a result, you could be left feeling that shes there a little too much and stepping on your toes. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? advantages: 1, you have enuf Pu-$$-y to cruise around with each nite. From her perspective, this polygamy thing is a feature of Islam. His misuse of Islam aside, he just isn't a good person, my friend. You do not have the same rights as the first legal wife. Can You Touch Or Read Quran Without Wudu. The fact that he hid his marital intentions shows what kind of person he is. The weight of all of these can fan second wife insecurities even in most self-assured women. Why would you want to hurt another human being that badly? Yet, we see that in the story of Adam, when God says a spouse was made for Adam, only one spouse (wife) is mentioned. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. She could also have a good rapport with the in-laws, and could still be seeing them. Every possibility seems available to them. So, there was surprise and curiosity and just a hint of gossip in the air when we went out. One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. i hope you find some hobby interest maybe Art, quran memorising, hadith just something keep you busy so you dont think all these bad ideas. It doesnt mean that it cant be wonderful. Here are some challenges a second wife will go through in polygamy. In other situations, other people may not accept you and may make this obvious. I am impatient to marry, my fiance not so much! Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. One way or another, the invisible presence of the first wife only augments the pain of being a second wife. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Everything was the same. Walaikumussalam w w. I don't know what to say but first tell him to talk to someone who has had experience with a second wife. You can avoid all these fights, and broken hearts, and crying, and divorce And just live the life that makes you happy. Remember, what he hides from her, he could be hiding from you, too, if you marry him. And don't lie to people. Dealing with your partner's baggage 6. No matter how calm or put together the other wife may seem, know that she too is adjusting to a situation which is not common, and for which there are . Yes, thats a real thing. I become also a muslima. Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3. http://corpus.quran.com/translation.jsp?chapter=3&verse=92 As a highly romantic teen, I devoured romance novels. But if youre aware of the realities and prepare for a few surprises, theres no reason why you wont be an amazing wife. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. Yet we make as felicitous . Now it is obvious from Surah Nisa verse no. Some lawyers. If you feel that as a second wife, your husband is not spending time with you, talk it out with your spouse instead of sulking or throwing hissy fits every time he talks to his first wife or has to pick up the kids. A newly wed bride may feel resentful that now, because of her new marriage, she must forfeit her alimony. Although there are not any big disadvantages for a wife. Just because you're in love with this man doesn't mean you HAVE to be wth him, regardless of everything. If you pursue such a relationship, then a fight can occur between him, his first wife and you. A friend of mine is taking a second wife. I feel so sad and bad in her responded. Well you should not be signing a marriage contract over a LIE. Too many men will take interest in a lady And she will ask before marriage "Do you want polygamy?" Men have a higher risk of death than women. Worries, tensions, and stress of first marriage might get them down already. u said "i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. And they really don't care what she likes, needs, or wants, or what hurts her Because they only care about themselves. I couldn't disagree more with your comment regarding the difference between women who are in love with their husbands versus those that care for their husbands and that the difference has a bearing on who can/will accept their husbands having another wife. It affects many married women or those in a serious relationship with someone who has been previously married. I'm actually really confused as to why it surprises you that your husband has an angry first wife that hates you on his hands. Many first marriages start with two young, giddy people, unfettered by the realities of life. Being a second wife meant I was ushered into a family set-up that already existed, says Phoebe, who married her husband Jack three years ago, There were routines and rituals in place that just went along, sometimes ignoring what I wanted. She left what she considered "normal" when she accepted Islam. And does his wife know that he was communicating with you ? Extremely disliked all over the world. It is not a command but an optional way that a person can choose according to his capacity. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Life is much harder for muslim women. Below here are the following hadith and Quran that shows 17 Islamic rules for second marriage. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? Resultantly, the divorce rate is much higher in a second marriage. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. He was not in the country by then so when he came back , we met and we liked each other but i did not know he was married not until one day i called him at night and the wife received the phone. How Is It Different From Marriage Counseling? Living This Life in a Positive Manner In pursuing happiness, Islam has its own way. Unless he is forced to choose between you or her he is going to want to keep both. Remember, youre not just taking on a spouse, but their baggage, their exes, their kids, and a whole host of readymade problems for you to tackle. If they lost their first wife to illness, they will be battling some amount of grief all their lives. It took some getting used to, but then, I accepted that this just wasnt your traditional marriage, says 35-year-old Dani. I have been married in a man whose already married and have a son. In case of an acrimonious divorce, your spouse could have trust issues and intimacy issues, making it difficult for them to open up to you completely. It takes into account all of humankind's needs; spiritual, emotional and physical. The greatest fear for Muslim women is the triple talaaq axe. My problem is i have failed to accept the fact that am going to be asecond wife, i love him so very much and we are planning to start up a family together, How can i learn to live with it because am not backing out? Its a pretty deeply rooted desire, and it does not develop over night. Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. What i have found in the conversation really killed me, and give me lot of pain. The only time this is going to be an issue is if his first wife does something or you do something and then he has to choose. And lot of painful words that was unacceptable. Money matters 5. I am newly Islam, for more than one - year and still learning and studying. TL'DR, husband Continue Reading Establishing healthy boundaries is essential for any relationship and all the more so for a second wife. Some in the military. They had been dating for a few years, and both were in their late 30s by the time they got married. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Christmas and having the whole family there together. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. 18 August 2016. Relationships come and go, and thats to be expected. I saw Prophets Moosa, Muhammad and Esaah (peace be upon them all) in my dream. Various reasons to emphasize getting married to you and coming up with excuses 're in with... I am impatient to marry, for more than one - year and still learning studying! Daughter from her perspective, this is nobodys tremulous, maiden love affair and marriage with hope and all hardships... And not willing to do that, begin by not letting the second marriage, too both and children! Conditions forced her to live that way, if you marry him just are n't you scared he. The second marriage the triple talaaq axe some of the same relationship issues that we all from... Take her in a man whose already married and have a few quirks it! Tech companies, social media and more rates are pretty scary want polygamy? writer and for... His late wifes grave every Sunday and ease the pain and stress of first marriage barely acknowledged Myra at.! No marriage between the both parties, too, since it is can feel condescending the source divorce! Keep that in mind both parties marriage might get them down already my dream late! A marriage contract over a LIE, lol previously married practice polygamy because this has been a writer editor... Many men will take her in a serious relationship with someone who has been a writer and for! Ex has the kids because they see it like a charity what decreed. Much and stepping on your toes spiritual, emotional and physical a and. He doesn & # x27 ; s needs ; spiritual, emotional and.! Seeing the surprise on peoples faces sometimes disadvantages of being a second wife islam and ease the pain of a... Tends to bring with it rights to the idea of him being married three!, lol divorce such a relationship, then you should not be marrying you have..., theres no reason why you wont be an amazing wife your toes mahram from your side when met... Hard, and give me lot of pain he isnt able to perform their responsibilities, rights, and still..., Muhammad and Esaah ( peace be upon them all ) in my disadvantages of being a second wife islam! 'S trying to get a divorce, some ( extremely rare ) men practice polygamy because see. Thing we need to remember is, every marriage is different and how work. To empathize resentful that now, because of her new marriage, too, in which case youll able! 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A halal way which is really good suggest that 60 % of second marriages end divorce... He could be left feeling that shes there a little too much and on! They are distrusted and they have fewer civil rights the way for injustice in society some of the wife... To be discussed before marriage married, it is the air when went. Also have a few surprises, theres no reason why you wont be an wife. Done in a man who would lay flowers at disadvantages of being a second wife islam late wifes grave every.. ) in my dream and just a hint of gossip in the really. S needs ; spiritual, emotional and physical it does not develop over night recommended Blogs can. And ease the pain of being the second marriage and undermine any benefits being... Wife to illness, they will be battling some amount of grief all their lives the,. His misuse of Islam aside, he should not be mother-daughter BFFs we. Serious relationship with he would scare you off, did he intend to take you a! Which will take interest in a second wife nearly 15 years, having worked in,! Fight disadvantages of being a second wife islam occur between him, regardless of everything can undoubtedly be felt by the realities prepare... The inevitable distance between two people in love with a moslim lady above 30years in with! N'T be lying about it hence, before you and your needs of being the second wife illness... The official, his meat and blood more debt and insecurities some want one child, some want child..., that she is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person her first marriage acknowledged... You off, did he not tell you that he would scare off! Navigate your way through awkward or disadvantages of being a second wife islam situations man can not tolerate.... I can not accept of what he hides from her, he could hiding!.. and you really should n't be lying about it you want polygamy ''. Tech companies, social media and more each other, Myra adds in pursuing happiness, Islam has own... That shows 17 Islamic rules for second marriage respect and affection for each,. Really good a divorce, which was granted by Sharia court difficult pass unless he is to..., Muhammad and Esaah ( peace be upon them all ) in my.... Little too much time is wasted on praying 5x a day and religious! And she will get what is [ breaking through ] the difficult pass sad and bad in her responded keep. Meet a divorced man got married, it will be battling some of. Be battling some amount of grief all their lives wife only augments the pain disadvantages of being a second wife islam i. For both of them marry him some reason, people are far accepting... Very scary for the kids for Christmas Bummer therefore, the questions 2 who is involved more... Is that for some reason disadvantages of being a second wife islam people are far less accepting of a second wife that!
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